I'm not getting married, nor is there a wave of wedding ceremonies sweeping the nation like coconut oil. IT MAKES VEGAN FOOD EDIBLE! And is good for the skin...
Nay, nay, I speak just of weddings. Your wedding. All of your weddings! YOU! They are entirely too long in existence. Like by 6 months. Here's why:
OK, so he/she/they popped the question! He/she/they said yes! ZOMGWRGTNMUREED! Awesome! I'm genuinely happy for you, especially if I'm invited, and especially if I'm not in the ceremony. Who needs that kind of stress?! I'm tryna get drunk and refuse to do the Cha Cha Slide out of principle.
OK, I SUUUUPER want to be in your ceremony because I have all sorts of self esteem issues and I assign value to myself based on my perceived worth to other people. Plus it's like being a wedding VIP; you get a limo ride and take pictures in a park or field, in the most natural positions (WE'RE WALKING!).
But I digress, as I am wont to do. Your wedding exists past the date and time so delicately embossed in Elvish onto the lovely rose quartz hued card stock invitations you took the time to mail to me after asking me for my address in an email that I ignored. And a text message that I ignored. And a Facebook message that I ignored... for a month. #digression How? Why? Pictures.
So weddings are basically Proms for adults, (also this is the coolest prom picture ever) only the suits fit better and your breasts can actually fill out your strapless dress. Like prom there is a King and Queen and you are probably just as drunk. Accept for me, because I didn't drink in Highschool because I was going places. Was... *stares off into the horizon* Also like prom no less than 25 pictures are taken every 30 minutes. The photographer is taking pictures of the food and the guests and the shoes and the rings and the hair and the champagne and the dress and of a bowtie. The guests are taking pictures of all of the same things, only with their phones, so everything is nice and mediocre. There are pictures of the ceremony before it starts, followed by as it's going on, followed by awkward side angled shots of the happy couple walking down the aisle. BUBBLES OUTSIDE! No time for rice! It kills the birds with its deliciousness. PICTURES OF THIS! Filters! Upload!
The wedding party is spirited away to the aforementioned park or field or where ever for fun pictures of them walking, or creepily eying the happy couple as they share a tender kiss; all the while the guest go somewhere and start to get drunk(er). And of course, take more pictures! There are a bunch of people you haven't seen in years... or hours. AND YOU ARE IN FANCY CLOTHES! Look at that, a pocket square. Fuck you and your empty pocket, you syphilitic plebeian. My pocket stays warm with it's tiny doll blanket folded ever so gently with my own hands and a YouTube tutorial. TAKE A PICTURE!
Reception happens. There are dancing introductions, first dances, bridal party dances, line dances, lines at the bar, lines to the bathroom, lines in the bathroom and limes with tequila. The wedding photographer is busting it all business casj and sensible shoes - they gotta move. The guests however have abandoned all hope. Shirt tails and bare feet all the way. And pictures. Memories!
Here I am, checking my media socially and wouldn't you know it, it's the Derpina-Derp wedding day. It starts slow. Just a few Facebook statuses (stati?) about it. No problem. Supes norm. Then the pictures start rolling in. Instagram, Twitter, straight up unfiltered Facebook or even Google+. All day. The entire day. This is usually capped off with a one minute and twenty three second long shaky phone camera clip of everyone dancing and singling along to whatever the "h0t trak" of the day is. For this example it shall be Baauer's Harlem Shake of YouTube fame. It doesn't matter actually because all anyone can hear is the deafening screams of the person doing the recording. WEDDING DAY IS OVER! Upload that!
But it's not over, because over the next 7 to 10 days my feed will be flooded with more and more pictures sent to the Internet from the iPhones and Galaxys. Windows Phone? Hell, Blackberries too. Same pictures, different angles. Different stages of blinking. Different amounts of booze spilled onto clothing. Wedding week is over! NOPE! People start commenting and tagging and re-tagging. They. Keep. Popping. Up. It's been like 3 months. Heavenly hell! It's OK though because amateur hour is over. Now it's time for the Photographer to get in the game. Being a professional it's just one post, elegant and straight forward. Being the Internet this is quickly shared. 470 times over two months, by about 6 people. The bride and her cackle of bridesmaids, with each comment - each increasing the extremity of their delight at seeing how beautiful their friends are and the number of exclamation points expressing it. Profile pictures are changed and then changed again, and then again. Cover photos are updated (We're still walking!!!). Fin.
Until the 1st anniversary. Then it's time to walk down memory lane. Side by side with a complete disregard for traffic safety.
I don't even remember when your wedding was anymore. Was it yesterday? I'm pretty sure it was warm when it happened. It was warm yesterday though. Also, ZOMG!!
 |
| www.curetonphoto.com |
No comments:
Post a Comment